A Breathtaking View
by KaariJGib
Summary: A spacewalk triggers Shepard's memory of dying in space, and now he's suffering from panic attacks. With Doctor Chakwas' approval, Kaidan helps Shepard through immersion therapy. Written for the Mass Effect Big Bang Spring 2013 Event. Cover art by MaxxieDemon (on Tumblr)
1. Chapter 1

_Starlight_  
_I will be chasing the starlight_  
_Until the end of my life_  
_I don't know if it's worth it anymore_  
_Hold you in my arms_  
_I just wanted to hold_  
_You in my arms_

_~Starlight_

It was interesting the way the stars always seemed to be still on the background of space, even when you were traveling faster than the speed of light. Instead of sleeping, Shepard watched them through the skylight, and while they never seemed to change position at all, he knew they were on their way to the Far Rim. Occasional flickers of blue light interrupted Shepard's view, reminding him that he wasn't stationary.

For just a moment he felt disconnected from himself. He was moving through space at nearly unimaginable speeds, and yet he wasn't moving at all. A warm body pressed against his side, Kaidan's stubble prickling against the skin of his shoulder. The weight of a muscled thigh thrown across his own anchored Shepard and chased away his discomfort.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Kaidan rasped into the silence.

The warmth of Kaidan's breath on his neck made Shepard smile. "Cerberus added that skylight," he murmured. He jerked his chin upward slightly to draw Kaidan's attention to it. "There wasn't one on the original Normandy."

Kaidan turned his head to look up. "They may be run by a crazed lunatic, but they've got a handle on ship design."

"Oh sure," Shepard answered lightly. "Let's put a skylight in the captain's cabin, and then give the ship to a man who's been spaced. Brilliant idea."

"Shit, I didn't even think of that," Kaidan exclaimed as he levered himself up on an elbow. He leaned over Shepard, partially blocking the starlight. His brow was furrowed in worry, making Shepard want to reach up and smooth away the frown. "Does it bother you?"

Shepard tilted his head on the pillow just enough that Kaidan's face completely filled his view. The dim light from the fish tank glinted in the brown eyes, reminding Shepard of how they glowed blue when his biotics were active. "Once in a while," he answered truthfully. "The memories are vague, and it's not like I've really had a lot of time to dwell on it."

"I'm surprised you leave it open," Kaidan said as he glanced up at the offending portal.

"I can close it if I need to," Shepard replied. "But we can keep it open. I know you love the view." As often as he found Kaidan in the observation deck, it was obvious the Major loved to watch the stars.

"No," Kaidan protested sharply. "If you need to close it, you do it." His eyes and mouth were firm, and Shepard suspected he'd just gotten a taste of Kaidan's teaching voice.

The muscles low in his belly twitched and he couldn't resist the grin spreading across his face. "Yes, sir," he murmured.

Kaidan's face softened and he laughed, the hoarse sound doing intimate things to Shepard's groin. "Sorry," he said with a wry twist of his lips. "Didn't mean to use my TO voice on you."

"I like it. Reminds me of the good old days when I wasn't the one in charge," Shepard admitted. He grinned wickedly. "Do you realize... until Anderson reinstated my command, you outranked me. That's kinda hot."

Warm brown eyes sparked with amusement. "Oh really?" Kaidan said slowly. "Where's my salute, Lt Commander?"

"I've been saluting you for a few minutes," Shepard replied huskily. He flexed his hips, brushing his erection against the thigh that was still holding him down. He glanced down at where the sheet was tented over his hips, and then back up at Kaidan.

Kaidan also looked down, and when his eyes came back up Shepard swallowed to moisten his very dry throat. The look Kaidan was giving him was downright predatory. And when Kaidan shifted to straddle Shepard's hips, his breath caught.

The Major rolled his hips, rubbing his hard length against Shepard's. "Is that a salute, or are you standing at attention?" he teased. His husky voice was full of laughter.

"Semantics," Shepard answered roughly. He reached up to grip Kaidan's hips in an attempt to control the rhythm, but Kaidan resisted.

"It's a rather important distinction, don't you think?" Kaidan asked in a whisper as he leaned down to brush his lips over Shepard's. His mouth left a burning trail as he kissed his way to Shepard's ear. "So which one is it, soldier?"

Shepard turned his head and tried to capture Kaidan's lips with his own, but the Major kept just out of reach. Goosebumps spread over Shepard's skin. He took a deep breath and lifted one hand to his temple in a crisp salute. "Sir," he rumbled softly. "I believe this would be a salute."

Kaidan's eyes darkened and with a rusty groan, he leaned down to slant his mouth over Shepard's in a rough kiss. Shepard slid his tongue past Kaidan's lips and savored the velvety slide when the other man's tongue tried to wrap around his own. He dug his fingers into Kaidan's hair, pulling him closer.

"Commander, we've arrived at the Quarian Fleet."

At the sound of EDI's voice, both men groaned. Kaidan broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against Shepard's. His eyes twinkled with humor despite the obvious frustration in his voice. "Fuck," he grumbled.

"Bad timing, EDI," Shepard called out in an uneven voice.

"I apologize, Commander," EDI replied levelly. Any amusement the AI's voice conveyed had to be just his imagination. "You requested I notify you immediately when we arrived."

"So I did," Shepard sighed as Kaidan sat up and moved off him to leave the bed. "Thank you. Send an invitation to the admirals to join us on the Normandy. I'll meet them in the War Room."

"Yes, Commander," EDI replied. Kaidan sighed and bent down to grab his pants from the floor, and Shepard sat up to take in the view. Seconds later EDI spoke again, startling them both. "If I may, Commander. I believe it will take them at least half an hour to arrive. If you need extra time to… prepare."

Shepard laughed. Now he knew EDI was trolling him. "Thank you, EDI. That will be all."

"Yes, Commander."

Kaidan planted both hands on his hips and glared up in the general direction of the intercom. "Is it my imagination, or did she do that on purpose?" he asked suspiciously.

"She has a strange sense of humor," Shepard agreed absently as he studied his lover's nude body intently.

Kaidan snorted. "I find it strange that she even has a sense of humor." He glanced over and noticed the look Shepard was giving him. "You think we have time?" he asked with a grin.

Shepard rolled to his knees and knelt at the edge of the mattress. He reached out and snagged Kaidan's wrist, pulling him close. "If you don't mind a quickie," he rumbled before he fell backwards, dragging Kaidan down between his spread legs.

"Commander, I apologize for interrupting again," EDI said, causing both men to curse this time. "My estimates were incorrect. Admiral Xen is already en route. She will be here in 15 minutes."

Shepard sighed, lifted his head slightly and thumped it back down on the mattress in frustration. "I'm tempted to make them wait," he growled.

"It must be important if she's already on her way," Kaidan protested.

He was right, of course. Reluctantly, Shepard released his grip on the other man.

They both got up and began to dress. As they were leaving the cabin, Kaidan paused thoughtfully. "You don't think EDI shares this kind of stuff with Joker do you?" he asked worriedly as he made a gesture that encompassed the two of them.

"Of course not, Major," EDI replied.

Kaidan glared upward again. "Do you think you could pretend you're not spying on us?"

"I take offense to that, Major Alenko," EDI stated. Kaidan snorted and rolled his eyes. "I merely monitor everything going on within the ship. For security."

"Uh huh," Kaidan replied flatly, unconvinced.

"Would you like me to refrain from speaking unless spoken to first? Master?"

Shepard couldn't suppress a laugh at the horrified look that spread over Kaidan's features. "That was a joke," he told Kaidan as he stepped into the elevator and punched in the command to take them to the CIC.

"Of course it was, Commander," EDI said. "Mostly," she added after a pause.

"Hey, don't forget you're an unshackled AI," Shepard teased back.

Kaidan smiled with reluctant amusement. "How long did it take you to get used to trading jokes with your ship?" he asked.

Shepard was still grinning as he stepped out into the CIC and clapped Kaidan on the shoulder. "I wouldn't say I'm used to it," he answered. "But she's grown on me and I like having her around. I'll come find you when I'm finished with the admirals. Wish me luck."

"Luck," Kaidan called after Shepard as he made his way to the War Room.


	2. Chapter 2

_When comfort and warmth can't be found_  
_I still reach for you_  
_But I'm lost, crushed, cold and confused_  
_With no guiding light left inside_  
_You're my guiding light_

_~Guiding Light_

"How are you doing out there, Commander?"

The hint of concern in Kaidan's voice made Shepard wonder if the harsh sound of his breathing had been transmitting over the comm. He studiously avoided looking through any of the gaping holes in the docking tube as he answered. "The lack of gravity is a little disorienting," he answered and was surprised that his voice wasn't shaking.

"The dreadnought has artificial gravity," Tali announced, her voice broken up slightly by interference on the channel. "You should be ok once you're on board."

Shepard knew he still had quite a ways to go until the end. The docking tube was huge, and he wondered at the design, but trying to understand the Geth's motives was beyond him at the moment. "Until then, I'll have to make do with mag boots," he answered as he continued to pick his way through the wreckage. He could feel how each step he took tried to push him away from the surface under his feet. The quality of his armor had never come into question before, but he wished he'd quadruple checked his boots before leaving the ship.

"Hey," Kaidan said softly. "You can come back and I'll go across."

The Major's concern was much more obvious now, and Shepard wondered what he'd done to give away the fact that he was nervous as hell. He forced a laugh, and hoped they couldn't hear the thread of hysteria in his voice. "I'm already halfway across. I may as well finish the trip at this point."

"Shepard…"

"I'm good, Kaidan."

"Private channel, Commander."

The commanding tone was enough to send a thrill of heat down Shepard's spine and he nearly forgot where he was as he obeyed the order. At least until the plate under his foot shifted and some of the debris began to float off trying to take him with it. His boot's magnets released when he flexed his ankle and he was able to put both feet on "solid ground" again, but Shepard's eyes stayed glued to the small chunk of lifeless metal drifting away. The laws of physics would keep it going forever like that unless it ran into something.

_The hiss of escaping air and the sound of his own harsh breathing filled his ears. He struggled to reach behind him for the punctured tube, desperate to stop the escape of oxygen, despite knowing that he couldn't repair the breach. His body contorted and flexed but with nothing to brace against, he twisted uselessly in the vacuum of space._

"Shepard, talk to me. What's wrong?"

He blinked, but all he could see was burning debris from the Normandy against a field of stars.

"Shepard?"

_His heart began to beat faster, desperate to pump oxygenated blood to his starving cells. His vision began to dim as panicked thoughts flashed through his mind like strobe lights._

_where the hell had the ship come from?_

_how much of his crew had gotten out?_

_joker – please god let his pod have escaped the blast-_

_kaidan escaped, I saw him get in the pod-_

_kaidan-_

_kaidan's eyes –_

_kaidan's laugh –_

_kaidan's voice –_

"John!"

Kaidan's voice. Sharp with worry, and hoarse under the static on the short range signal. Shepard realized he'd exhaled then forgotten to inhale again, so he sucked in a lungful of air. He wasn't floating through space, and his suit was not hemorrhaging oxygen. "Yeah," he answered roughly after a second gasping breath. "I'm ok."

"Then why are you standing there ignoring everyone who hails you?" Kaidan asked gently.

Shepard forced his feet to move and began walking again, slowly navigating the ruined docking tube. "I'm ok," he insisted. "But, uh, keep talking."

"Um, alright," Kaidan said slowly. "What do you want me to say?"

Shepard almost suggested he talk dirty, but he didn't want to be distracted by the tightness of his armor once he got onto the dreadnought. "Anything," he said as he walked up the wall to get past a gaping hole in the structure. The way everything rotated around him was threatening to give him a headache but old training kicked in and he watched the area immediately in front of his feet instead of looking off into the distance.

"That's a pretty broad subject," Kaidan replied with a throaty chuckle. The sound slid down Shepard's spine, straightening it.

"Tell me about Vancouver," Shepard said. He could no longer feel the strain in his diaphragm and his breathing became easier, if not completely natural.

Directly in front of him was a tangle of metal he couldn't circumvent and he paused for a moment to find a way past it. Catching sight of a spot that looked stable, he began to carefully climb over it. "I didn't get to see much of it while I was there," he grunted. His eyes slid quickly past holes in the docking tube as he scanned for reasonably safe places to put his feet. "They kept me on a pretty tight leash."

"That's a shame," Kaidan sighed. "It's a beautiful city." When he fell silent, Shepard knew he was remembering their last view of it. "Well… it was, anyway," Kaidan muttered sadly.

"It can be rebuilt," Shepard reminded him. He was past the obstruction, and walking toward the ship again. "When this is over, you'll have to take me on a tour."

Kaidan's voice was tired when he answered. "Most of my favorite places may not be there anymore."

Shepard was nearly to the dreadnought. The conversation had successfully distracted him from the starry view outside the twisted metal tube. Just a few more meters to go. "We can make new favorites," he said softly. "Together."

There was a soft chuckle broken by static. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we could," Kaidan replied in a brighter tone. "Together. I like the sound of that."

"Me too," Shepard replied with a smile. As he reached the door, there was a shifting under his feet.

_floating, no control-_

Shepard leaped towards the door as the docking tube broke away from the dreadnought. Kaidan's worried shout filled his helmet and Shepard felt a yell of fear bubbling up from his chest, but his feet connected with the surface of the geth ship, the magnets in his boots locking him into place. Breathing heavily, he turned and watched the tube, still attached to the Normandy, drift slowly away.

"You ok?"

"I'm good, Kaidan. Thanks." Shepard knew his voice was rougher than normal, and he hoped Kaidan was aware of what he was being thanked for. He didn't really feel like elaborating, because he was too busy forcing air into his lungs.

"Anytime, John," Kaidan said softly.

There was a wealth of meaning in those words, and Shepard wished they were close enough to touch right now. But they were in the middle of a damn war zone, wasting time on a fight that was insignificant next to the Reapers themselves. He couldn't let the Geth continue to be used by his enemies. So here he was staring out into space, forgetting how to breathe as panic crawled up his throat again. He turned quickly and started hacking the door, refusing to think of the emptiness behind him. "Looks like you'll need to find another way in," he managed to choke out over the public channel.

"We'll be there soon," Kaidan replied, his voice clipped and professional again. Even though he was no longer speaking in the intimate tone he'd used on the private channel, his voice soothed away the last of Shepard's panic.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm coming to hold you now_  
_When all your strength has gone_  
_And you feel wrong_  
_Like your life has slipped away_

_~Follow Me_

Kaidan's stomach twisted itself into knots until he and Tali were finally able to join Shepard on the Geth ship. His eyes traced the Commander's helmet, making him wish the faceplate hid less of his lover's face. Shepard's bright blue eyes seemed normal though, and when he spoke the strong sure tone of The Commander was back in place, so full of its normal confidence that Kaidan began to think he'd imagined the thread of panic from earlier.

_"What do you want me to say?"_

_"Anything."_

That one word had been like a clanging alarm, warning Kaidan that there was something wrong. But as he followed Shepard further into the ship and listened to his conversation with Tali, Kaidan knew that now was not the time to address the problem. When a geth appeared, firing at them, he had no more time to think about it. They had been discovered, and he needed to concentrate on keeping alive.

It wasn't until they were trying to escape the dreadnought that he thought about it again. The artificial gravity field turned off, and Shepard made a choked noise. Kaidan saw him flail slightly before he slammed into a wall and got a grip.

"Shepard Commander," Legion called. "We are out of time."

Shepard turned his head slowly. His harsh breathing filled the comm channel, and he wasn't moving. He clung to the wall as precious seconds ticked by.

"Shepard Commander," Legion repeated. While the geth had very little inflection in tone, the slight increase in the volume of its voice made the words sound urgent.

Kaidan heard Shepard take a deep, ragged breath. Then another. On the third breath, Kaidan was about to go after him, but Shepard moved before he could, kicking off the wall towards the fighter that Legion was going to fly them out in. Kaidan reached out to catch him and pulled him into the storage compartment where Tali was already crouched.

"Shepard," he said urgently. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Kaidan," Shepard snapped. "Legion, get us out of here!"

Shepard collapsed back against the wall, breathing heavily. All three of them were out of breath from the mad run to escape the dreadnought, but Kaidan could sense Shepard's intense desperation for air. Shepard reached over and wrapped his fingers around Kaidan's forearm. Despite being unable to feel the pressure through his armor, Kaidan could tell by looking that Shepard had a pretty tight grip on him.

Kaidan leaned forward and touched his helmet to Shepard's. In the dim light, he could see that Shepard's eyes were wide, his pupils dilated and glowing faintly red. It could still be adrenaline, but Kaidan spent too much time watching Shepard to believe that. This was something different. Something he'd never seen before.

After a moment Shepard's eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled. His other hand came up to cup the back of Kaidan's helmet, holding him in place and he heaved a ragged sigh. "That was a close one," he said quietly.

Kaidan frowned slightly, but he decided not to ask Shepard what was wrong. Not yet. "Yeah," he replied softly.

"Yeah."

"It's about time you two hooked up," Tali teased, breaking the tension. "I believe Garrus owes me some credits."

Both men broke into laughter. Kaidan saw the faint red light in Shepard's eyes fade as he relaxed. They shifted around until they were sitting next to each other, pressed side to side as close as their armor would allow. They twined their fingers together and held on tightly for the rest of the trip back to the Normandy.

Several days later Kaidan stood on the observation deck watching Rannoch through the huge wall-sized window. The Quarian and Geth ships that would join Admiral Hackett's forces were already gone, leaving just a few civilian ships behind. He shook his head and chuckled softly. If he hadn't been present for the action of the last few days, he would not have believed any of it. He imagined it would be quite a shock for many seeing the news through the extranet channels to learn that the Quarians and Geth now had a truce.

It had taken a lot to get them there, and thinking about the events of the last few days, Kaidan's heart sped up and he got a little spike of adrenaline. Watching Shepard in action was always an amazing experience, but when he'd jumped out of the shuttle armed with nothing more than a targeting laser to face down that Reaper on foot...

Well, Kaidan was probably going to have nightmares about that when he finally got around to sleeping. It had been at least two days, and he was starting to feel the strain. Shepard was in the War Room making some last minute plans with the Quarian Admirals, and Kaidan wanted to talk to him as soon as he finished, so he stayed where he was instead of heading for the comfort of Shepard's bed.

He wanted to do a lot more than talk. The adrenaline made his skin feel tight and overly sensitive. He'd already showered after their return to the Normandy, and the water sliding over his skin had made him hard and ready. He probably should have just taken care of it himself, but he'd refrained, preferring to wait for Shepard.

There was a hiss of hydraulics behind him, and Kaidan turned to see Shepard walking through the doors. As Kaidan watched, Shepard scanned the room for him. Blue eyes locked on the observation window, and Shepard froze nearly in mid step. His chest began to move quickly on short panting breaths.

Kaidan didn't quite frown, but he wasn't smiling anymore either. "Hey Shepard," he called softly. "Is everything alright?"

Shepard's eyes snapped to Kaidan as soon as he spoke. As if nothing had happened a wide grin spread over his face, and his voice was full of excitement when he spoke. "I just gave Anderson and Hackett the news that we took down a Reaper. I'll let you guess how it went from there."

The tension eased in Kaidan's shoulders when he saw Shepard's behavior go back to normal. At the mention of the dead Reaper the exhaustion that had been nudging him closer to a headache backed off. Vicious joy filled him and he returned Shepard's grin. "Yeah," he replied on an exhale. He chuckled and shook his head in disbelief. "We did. We took down a Reaper!"

He stalked toward Shepard and noticed the shift in his expression to a different kind of excitement. Kaidan didn't stop until he was fully in Shepard's personal space. He could feel the commander's breath against his face, and their chests brushed lightly on each inhale. Bright blue eyes stared back at him with the same predatory expression Kaidan saw when Shepard had a goal - a target.

Kaidan brought his hands up to Shepard's hips and tugged until it was obvious to both of them that despite their lack of sleep, they were not too tired to celebrate their victory.

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered against his mouth.

"Hm?" He didn't move to close the space between them, even leaned back slightly when Shepard tried to capture his lips in a kiss.

Shepard's eyes darkened and he darted forward to nip hard at Kaidan's bottom lip, eliciting a grunt of pleasure from him**. **But Kaidan didn't shy away from the fierceness in Shepard's kiss. It was all tongue and teeth, rough and urgent. Shepard pulled away first and rested his forehead against Kaidan's.

"I have a million things to do," Shepard murmured. "And the doc has been sending messages threatening to drug me if I don't get some food and some sleep soon."

"Then why are you here?" Kaidan murmured back. He knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it.

Shepard's smile was definitely an answer, but he spoke the words anyway. "Because," he rumbled. "I just took out a Reaper and I'd like to celebrate by having you fuck me into the mattress."

Kaidan threw his head back and laughed in delight. "I think I can oblige you there," he said with a wicked grin. He kept his hands on Shepard's hips and began to back him out of the room and towards the elevator.

Apparently Shepard wasn't willing to wait until they got to their destination. He reached up and grasped Kaidan's face to pull him into another kiss, unfazed by the fact that they were in full view of anyone going in or out of the crew quarters. Kaidan did his best to keep them moving in the right direction, ignoring the catcalls that came from the direction of the mess hall as they passed it.

Kaidan flushed despite the fact that his relationship with Shepard was far from secret. Until now they had kept their behavior professional outside the captain's cabin, but people would need to be blind to miss the looks they exchanged. Plus there was the fact that Kaidan was bunking with the Commander. Kind of a giveaway, there. He began to pull away, but Shepard let out a growl and moved backwards toward the elevator faster without breaking the kiss. Kaidan stopped resisting, and concentrated on keeping them both upright for the short walk.

"Show him a good time, Major!" James shouted after them. He let out a quiet grunt. "Ouch, Estaban. I'm only saying what we were all thinking…"


	4. Chapter 4

_I know you've suffered_  
_But I don't want you to hide_  
_It's cold and loveless_  
_I won't let you be denied_  
_Soothing_  
_I'll make you feel pure_  
_Trust me_  
_You can be sure_

_~Undisclosed Desires_

They stumbled into the elevator and crashed against the far wall. Shepard let out a grunt as Kaidan's weight knocked the air out of him, but he still managed to reach out and grope for the control panel. He kept missing it because he refused to break the kiss. The man was also starting to slide his hands down over Shepard's ass and between his legs which was distracting enough that he wondered if they'd ever make it up to his cabin, or if they were going to monopolize the conveyance for the next half-hour.

That was going to be awkward for anyone needing to get around on the ship.

The doors slid shut on their own and the lift began to move. "Thanks EDI," Shepard managed to gasp under Kaidan's lips.

"You're welcome, Commander," came the monotone reply.

Kaidan chuckled against Shepard's mouth, but he cut off with a gasp when Shepard reached down and cupped his dick through the thick material of his fatigues.

"Ah yeah," Kaidan moaned. "Harder."

Shepard squeezed and Kaidan's head fell back on his shoulders, exposing his neck to Shepard's mouth. Not one to turn down an offer like that, Shepard closed his lips over his lover's throat and suckled. He kept stroking with one hand, while the other began to tug at the back of Kaidan's t-shirt to free it from the waistband of his pants. Kaidan began thrusting against his hand while making encouraging sounds of pleasure.

"The elevator will be needed by the rest of the crew," EDI said dryly.

Shepard hadn't even realized they had come to a stop. For a brief moment he missed the slow elevators on the Citadel. Someday he was going to see if Kaidan was adventurous enough to fuck him in one, but for now he'd settle for getting the Major into his bed.

Kaidan pulled out of Shepard's embrace, but wrapped strong fingers around his neck to pull him forward out of the lift and into their cabin. Shepard's heart pounded harder at the thought. Their cabin. He loved having the other man share his personal space. Kaidan was neat and organized like most Alliance soldiers, but there were small differences in the room that made Shepard smile whenever he caught sight of them. Shampoo and conditioner in the shower. A chess piece moved every time Shepard looked at it. The stereo next to the bed permanently set to Kaidan's playlist. The hamster's food filled before Shepard could think to do it.

Once inside, they began divesting each other of their uniforms. Clothing and boots fell to the floor. When they stood naked before each other their mad rush finally came to a stop. Shepard palmed Kaidan's cheek and just looked at him, taking in the smiling brown eyes surrounded by lines that hadn't been there a few years before, the scarred lips tilted up in a smile, the strong stubbled jaw. He wondered if his heart would ever beat normally when he looked at the other man.

"I'm glad you're here," he said softly when Kaidan turned to press a kiss against his palm.

Kaidan placed his hand over Shepard's to hold it in place while he licked the sensitive skin. His brown eyes were soft, yet the look he gave Shepard was full of intensity. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," he replied huskily. His brows tilted wickedly and he grinned before biting the pad of Shepard's thumb. "Well, maybe the bed would be a better location than here specifically."

Shepard allowed Kaidan to back him towards the bed, and when he hit the edge with the back of his legs, he fell backwards on the harder-than-it-looks mattress. Kaidan put a knee on the bed between Shepard's legs and leaned forward until Shepard lay back all the way. His lower legs still dangled over the edge, but when he moved to scoot towards the headboard, Kaidan stopped him with a strong hand on his thigh.

Soft lips brushed gently over Shepard's collarbone, the sting of stubble accompanying each kiss. Kaidan moved lower, stopping only briefly to flick his tongue against a nipple. Shepard groaned when he moved on so quickly, but couldn't complain too much when that hot mouth was moving lower, to where he really needed attention.

Shepard wanted to see. He opened his eyes, intending to look down at Kaidan before he reached his goal, but instead his eyes were caught by the star field outside the window. He gasped in a breath and held it, every muscle in his body tightening in panic.

_emptiness broken only by pinpricks of light-_

_gasping-_

_stars-_

_no air-_

_no more time-_

"Shepard?" Kaidan asked sharply. The star field was replaced by Kaidan's worried visage. "John. Tell me what's wrong."

Shepard's lungs burned with the need to take another breath, but he couldn't._ Breathe, dammit!_ he screamed inside his mind. But his throat stayed clamped shut, and his vision began to darken.

"John!" Kaidan shouted. He shook Shepard, and when that didn't work he placed his palm on Shepard's chest and sent a small shock of biotic power into his skin.

That helped. Shepard let out the breath he was holding in a rough cough. Then he gasped in another breath, and another. He focused on Kaidan's face as the darkness receded. He couldn't look away because he didn't want to risk looking out of the sky light again.

"John?" Kaidan asked uncertainly.

He obviously needed an answer about what was wrong but Shepard was still having trouble breathing normally. It took a few more gasping breaths before he could speak. "Close it," he croaked.

Kaidan's brows came together in confusion for a moment before his expression cleared with understanding. "EDI, close the skylight," he commanded sharply without moving out of Shepard's line of sight. "John? John, talk to me…"


	5. Chapter 5

_Fear and panic in the air_  
_I want to be free_  
_From desolation and despair_  
_And I feel like everything I saw_  
_Is being swept away_  
_Well I refuse to let you go_

_~Map of the Problematique_

The door slid shut over the window, but Shepard didn't look away from Kaidan. His breathing was still shallow and strained. He held Kaidan's gaze as if it were a lifeline. His eyes were wide, the bright blue almost swallowed by dilated pupils. "Hey," Kaidan said soothingly. "It's shut. You're ok."

Shepard's muscles were so tense he was shaking, and he had a bruising grip on one of Kaidan's wrists. "I know," he panted. "I know."

But knowing that he was ok obviously wasn't helping. Kaidan leaned down and pressed their foreheads together. He wasn't sure how best to calm Shepard down, so he tried what worked on panicked biotic kids. He put a field around Shepard, tight against his skin so he could feel the energy. Shepard was far from a child, but he was a biotic, and the tactic worked. After only a few seconds his muscles relaxed and his breathing calmed down. His grip on Kaidan's wrist loosened, and he closed his eyes.

"Dammit," Shepard whispered.

Kaidan let go of the biotic field and leaned back so that he was straddling Shepard's thighs. He twisted his wrist out Shepard's grasp, but caught his fingers and twined them with his own. He waited patiently, giving Shepard time to collect himself.

Shepard threw his free arm over his eyes, but didn't otherwise move. "Sorry for killing the mood," he said softly.

Kaidan ran a hand up Shepard's stomach to his chest and back down, then repeated the gesture. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"John..." Kaidan stopped and sighed heavily. "Alright. But you know... you know I'm here for you, right?"

That got Shepard's attention. He lifted his arm off his eyes and used it to prop his head up instead. He gave Kaidan that soft half smile that always spoke volumes. "Yeah, I know," he said. "But I'm fine now. Tired, but fine."

Kaidan believed the part about being tired. Now that he looked closely, he could see that the dark shadows under Shepard's eyes seemed more pronounced, and his skin seemed somewhat pale. That could be left over from the panic attack - and Kaidan wasn't going to let Shepard deny that's what it was - but it had been several days since either of them had slept. A rumble from Shepard's exposed stomach had Kaidan frowning. "When's the last time you ate something?" he asked.

Shepard's smile turned sheepish. "I don't remember."

Kaidan rolled his eyes, and rolled off Shepard. "I'll go get you something from the kitchens," he said as he bent down to retrieve his clothing.

"You don't have to-"

Kaidan cut Shepard off with a wave of his hand. "I could use some chow too. Just lie down, and I'll get it."

"But Kaidan-"

"Hey," Kaidan interrupted firmly. "Let me do this for you. No complaints, alright?"

Shepard watched him while he dressed, but after a moment he chuckled and shook his head. "Yes, Sir," he murmured.

The look he gave Kaidan told him that Shepard was remembering their last encounter in this cabin. Kaidan almost gave into the temptation to toss his clothes off again and jump right back into bed, but worry made him pull his shirt on. He leaned over the bed and gave Shepard a soft peck on the lips before leaving the cabin.

He was thankful the mess hall was empty when he reached it. He didn't really want to face Steve and James and their questions about why he'd come back down from the captain's cabin so soon. He grabbed several protein bars, and munched on one while he filled a tray with more food. While he was working on the meal, Chakwas walked out of medbay with an empty coffee mug in her hand.

"Hello, Major," she said with a cheerful smile. She eyed the tray of food as she filled her mug. "It's good to see that you're keeping up your calories, but are you sure you can eat all that in one sitting?"

He returned her greeting with a tilt of his head and a smile. "Half of it is for the Commander," he explained as he grabbed a couple of bottles of juice to go along with the sandwiches he'd made.

Chakwas leaned a hip against the counter and sipped at her coffee. "Good," she said. "He's worse than you about skipping meals. I swear I've never felt more like a nagging mother than I do when I'm trying to get you two to keep your body fat up."

Kaidan chuckled at the mental image. "Well, boys will be boys, right, Doc?"

She hummed softly in agreement as she sipped her coffee again. "At least he's got you to take care of him now. He seems to be doing much better since you've rejoined the crew."

Kaidan stopped what he was doing to look at her. "Better?" he asked. "Was there something wrong?"

The doctor shrugged. "Nothing specific. Not eating, not sleeping. From some of the data I get from EDI, I believe he was also having nightmares, but when I asked him about it, he denied it."

Kaidan frowned. Shepard definitely had nightmares. He wouldn't speak about them, and would sneak out of bed to work on reports so that he wouldn't disturb Kaidan. "He... doesn't sleep very well," Kaidan hedged. If Shepard didn't want Chakwas to know about his nightmares, then Kaidan wouldn't be the one to tell her. But after the panic attack Shepard had just had, Kaidan knew that something more serious was wrong. Being a biotic soldier could be taxing, but Shepard was also under constant stress from being pulled in too many directions. The load of responsibility on his shoulders would break a weaker man, but Shepard was no god either. Even he could crumble under too much pressure.

His hesitation must have caught Chakwas' attention because she set her coffee cup down and gave him a serious look. "Major, have you noticed something wrong with the Commander that I should know about?" she asked in a tone that was fully professional.

"He... had some kind of panic attack tonight," Kaidan answered, unable to deny the authority in her voice. "And earlier, when he was boarding the Geth ship, he... he froze up."

Chakwas frowned and her eyes unfocused as she considered his words. "Did he tell you anything?" she asked.

"No," Kaidan sighed. Shepard had asked him to close the skylight, but... he wracked his memory for other signs of distress. Shepard had also flinched away from the window in the observation deck. And when he was in the docking tube of the Geth dreadnought there had been quite a few missing walls with no glass between him and the vast emptiness of space. Could it be? But Shepard was a space marine. He'd been on space walks before, and would have had extensive training in the N7 program that other soldiers didn't get. Why would he be afraid of space? And why now?

Then he remembered their conversation several days before. Things had been so hectic that it had completely slipped his mind. Shepard had died in space. Had something triggered his memory? "I ah... think I know what's wrong," he said slowly.

"What is it?" Chakwas asked.

"Let me talk to him about it first," Kaidan said. When Chakwas opened her mouth to argue, he held up a hand. "I may be way off base. But if I'm not, I may be able to help him. And if I can't, well... I'll make sure he comes to you if he needs help, Doc. I promise."

She nodded, obviously reluctant but willing to accept his word. "Alright, Major. See that you do."

Kaidan gave her a reassuring smile, and picked up the tray of food to take back to Shepard's cabin. When the doors slid open, he found Shepard sitting on the couch in his black briefs, frowning down at a datapad. He knew Shepard needed a meal, but Kaidan was slightly disappointed that he hadn't fallen asleep while waiting. "Hope you're still hungry," he said by way of greeting.

Shepard smiled gratefully when Kaidan placed the tray on the table and settled down next to him on the couch. "Starving," he said earnestly. "But you're going to share this with me right? I'm not sure I could eat all this on my own."

Kaidan picked up one of the sandwiches. "You better hurry," he said teasingly. "Or you might not get any." He took a large bite, and watched Shepard dig in.

As Shepard wolfed down the simple fare, Kaidan couldn't help but doubt his earlier conclusions. Shepard didn't seem to be acting differently, although a glance upwards revealed that the skylight was still closed. Kaidan waited until Shepard finished his second sandwich before he spoke. "So, do you want to talk about it now?" he asked casually.

Shepard went still as he lifted a bottle of juice to his mouth. His blue eyes flicked toward Kaidan, and then up towards the skylight confirming Kaidan's thoughts. "Not really," Shepard answered. He took a swallow of his juice and then stood to pace around the room, plastic bottle dangling from his fingers. He kept glancing at Kaidan, who leaned back on the couch and waited patiently.

After a moment Shepard stopped pacing and leaned a shoulder against the fish tank. He pushed a button to feed the fish and watched as they all gathered to the top of the tank. "You're not going to let it go though, are you?" he asked as if there hadn't been a huge gap in the conversation.

"If you really think you're ok, I will," Kaidan said softly, then waited. It didn't take long.

"When the Collectors attacked the SR1," Shepard said slowly, still staring into the fish tank. "And I... well... died. I don't remember it very well. When I think about it, the memories are hazy. But when I was in that docking tube..." He trailed off and lifted the hand that still held the empty juice bottle and stroked the tank's glass with one finger. "Do you think fish feel gravity?" he asked wryly.

Kaidan shook his head at the non-sequitur question. He got up from the couch and walked over to stand near the glass, facing Shepard. "If they do, it's probably nothing like what we experience," he answered. When Shepard didn't respond right away, he decided it was time to give the conversation a little push. "Are your memories coming back?"

Shepard tilted his head until his forehead pressed against the glass but turned so that his eyes could search out Kaidan's. "It's fuzzy again now," he answered. "But earlier... It was like I was experiencing it again."

"That's perfectly normal," Kaidan assured him. "You'll get over it with time."

"I don't have time," Shepard growled. He pushed away from the tank and started pacing again. "What if I'm in the middle of a mission and something triggers it again? You know as well as I do that even a second's worth of hesitation can get a soldier killed!"

Kaidan had never seen Shepard so agitated before. He'd seen him upset. He'd heard him raise his voice in anger. But now, the Commander prowled around the cabin as if he couldn't stand the feel of his own skin and was trying to escape it. Shepard had faced down a Reaper with steely resolve, but the idea that he might have developed a phobia was pissing him off. Which was just so ironic that Kaidan couldn't contain his laugh.

Shepard stopped pacing and turned a glare on him. "What?" he grumbled.

"You're going to be fine," Kaidan said with a soft smile. He walked forward and wrapped his arms around Shepard's bare shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. He leaned back just enough so that he could look down into Shepard's bright blue eyes which were currently watching him almost warily. "I know you'll get through this," Kaidan told him. An idea tickled at the back of his mind. It was a bit risky, and he'd need EDI's help. There was also a chance Shepard would say no, but he thought it might be worth a shot. "I even have an idea on how to help you."

"Really?" Shepard asked skeptically. "Are you a shrink, and haven't told me?"

"No," Kaidan replied with a chuckle. "But I am a teacher, and I know a few tricks."

"Uh huh."

The dry tone made Kaidan's smile widen. "Trust me," he cajoled.

"Ok," Shepard said on an exhale. The nervous energy drained out of him. "When do we start?"

Kaidan had been feeling the beginnings of a headache for a few hours now, and he could see Shepard's exhaustion as well. "Not tonight," he said softly. "For now, let's get some sleep. Doctor's orders." When Shepard lifted a questioning brow he laughed. "No, really. I ran into Chakwas in the kitchen."

Shepard rolled his eyes but he didn't argue. He helped Kaidan strip back down to his boxer briefs and they both crawled into the bed. Shepard pulled Kaidan close, and began running his fingers lightly over Kaidan's face around his eyes, making the headache recede slightly. "Sorry about earlier," he whispered.

Kaidan smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Shepard's fingers stroking his skin. "It's alright," he replied, and then he yawned hard enough to crack his jaw. "You'll just owe me some time later to make up for it."

There was an amused grunt, and then Shepard's fingers slid up through Kaidan's hair and over his scalp. Broad tipped fingers brushed over the skin around Kaidan's amp jack, sending a tingle through all his senses. "Yeah, I can do that," he whispered against Kaidan's forehead.

They settled in together, legs entwined, and fell asleep. As far as Kaidan could tell, Shepard managed to sleep all through the night, even if he did seem to be plagued by unpleasant dreams.


	6. Chapter 6

_Warm my heart tonight_  
_Force me to lose control_  
_And hold my head up high_  
_Watch as I lose my soul_  
_And help me to survive_  
_Push me until I fall_

_~Liquid State_

Shepard braced his hands on the console in the War Room and glared at the image of the Crucible floating in the center of the room. They still had no idea what the Catalyst was, and they were currently getting nowhere with their investigations. He hoped the upcoming meeting with Doctor Bryson would help as Hackett seemed to think it would. Joker had just accepted his orders to get to the Citadel, but they still had nearly a standard day of travel ahead of them and Shepard wasn't sure he could concentrate on reports in the meantime. He should probably catch some shut-eye, but despite his exhaustion he didn't want to sleep.

He really didn't want to though. Nightmares had been plaguing him since leaving Earth. Restless nights were not an uncommon occurrence for any soldier, himself included. But lately… well the dreams he'd been having lately seemed so real. And they were never pleasant.

But still. He should try to sleep.

His omni-tool beeped, pulling his attention away from the image of the Crucible. He felt his lips tilt upwards when he saw who was calling him. "Kaidan," he said softly. "What's up?"

"We've got a few hours to kill before we get to the Citadel," Kaidan said. "If you're not busy, I'd like to work on that issue you're having."

"Now?" Shepard asked in surprise. He didn't need to ask what issue Kaidan was talking about. Neither of them had brought it up for a while, but Shepard knew Kaidan hadn't missed the fact that he kept the skylight in his cabin permanently closed now. He hadn't had any more panic attacks, although if he were honest with himself, he was definitely avoiding rooms with view ports. He'd even been avoiding the cockpit, and he was secretly waiting for a lecture from Joker about it.

Kaidan chuckled. "Why not now? Unless you've got something else planned?"

Shepard thought of the stacks of data pads in his cabin, the messages waiting on his omni-tool, and the last set of very firm instructions from Doctor Chakwas about getting more sleep. Of course he had other things to do. But it was difficult to say no to Kaidan when he used that teasing tone. Plus, Shepard was curious what Kaidan had planned. So he lied. "No, nothing at the moment," he answered.

"Good. Meet me in the Starboard Observation room."

The idea of going in there made Shepard's breath hitch uncomfortably. Fortunately, the irrational fear just pissed him off and made him more determined to get over it. He closed his omni-tool and hurried to the observation deck. Just before he reached the door, his heart jumped in his chest. But he wasn't about to let the fear control him. He took a deep breath and kept his eyes glued to the floor as the door slid open.

"Hey," Kaidan called from across the room. Shepard looked up and saw Kaidan leaning against the window. The room was dark, so all Shepard could see was his silhouette against the backdrop of stars.

Just as Shepard registered Kaidan's location, the door slid shut behind him, beeping as the lock engaged. Immediately afterwards, the artificial gravity in the room shut off.

"Fuck!" Shepard hissed as his feet left the floor. For the moment his fear was forgotten. "What the hell, Kaidan?"

Kaidan walked forward, and Shepard realized he was wearing his mag boots as his footsteps clanked on the floor. "Thank you, EDI," he said. "I'll let you know when we're done."

"Of course, Major."

Shepard wasn't listening. His eyes had latched on the window, and he couldn't tear them away. His breathing turned harsh and pained. His chest ached as if he couldn't pull enough air into his lungs. Instinctively he reached out, trying to grab something, anything to anchor himself. He was floating upwards slowly and his hand hit the ceiling, knocking him back downward.

Strong hands caught him around the waist and pulled him down. Blunt fingers grabbed his jaw and turned his head until he was looking down at Kaidan. Immediately the air he pulled in with every breath felt like actual oxygen. But it still took a few breaths before he felt like he could speak. "What are you doing?" he gasped.

"Immersion therapy," Kaidan answered gently. Shepard had difficulty seeing his expression in the darkness, but he could tell Kaidan was concerned. "We can stop if you need to."

Oh, he definitely wanted to stop. But he also wanted to get past this fear. He couldn't function properly with a fear of space. "No," he said before he could talk himself out of it. His voice shook on the word and he cleared his throat and tried again. "No, I'm ok."

Kaidan gave a small nod and a flash of white in the darkness revealed his smile. "Good. But you'll tell me if it's too much," he ordered. "This is meant to help, not to make things worse. Understood?"

Shepard felt himself responding to the steel in Kaidan's voice. "Yes, sir," he answered breathlessly.

The grip on his jaw loosened and those same strong fingers began to caress instead. "You like it when I give you orders, don't you?" Kaidan asked huskily.

"I'm afraid to answer that," Shepard answered gruffly. His lungs still didn't seem to want to cooperate with him, but watching Kaidan was helping him focus. He forced a grin. "If I say yes, I'll be revealing my weakness."

Kaidan chuckled at the deliberately indirect answer. "Hm... well, I'll just have to discover the answer for myself." He tugged Shepard closer, using strong hands to guide Shepard's legs around his waist. He turned and walked Shepard backwards toward the window and pressed him against the glass.

Shepard did his best to forget the view behind him, and watched Kaidan's face. The lack of gravity in the room was making his skin feel tight and uncomfortable. The ambient sounds of the ship reminded him too much of the hiss of leaking oxygen. He already wanted to stop, but he was also intrigued by the mystery of Kaidan's plan.

"Try to stay in place, for a moment while I get you out of these clothes," Kaidan commanded.

He pulled Shepard's shirt off first, tossing it behind him. Shepard found himself following its path as it floated towards the back wall and his breathing hitched again.

"Hey," Kaidan said as his hands guided Shepard's legs into a position where he could start to remove his boots. "Breathe. You're doing fine."

Easy for you to say, Shepard thought. You can breathe. But he felt slightly better hearing Kaidan's voice, and he was able to relax a little, only curling his fingers into the cloth of Kaidan's shirt to hold himself in place.

"I can't wait to get you naked," Kaidan continued. "I've never told you before, but watching you move when you're wearing armor is so fucking hot because I know what's underneath it."

Kaidan's hands moved to Shepard's belt, fingers slipping under the cloth of his fatigues teasingly before undoing the fly. He slid his hands into Shepard's pants, gripping his hips. "It can be pretty distracting sometimes," he said gruffly.

"Should I be worried that you can't concentrate in the field?" Shepard asked somewhat stiffly. His breathing was evening out, but he still sounded like he was strangling to his own ears. Kaidan's voice was having a calming effect though, and when his fingers slid around to squeeze Shepard's ass under his fatigues, the shortness in breath was caused by something else completely.

"Never," Kaidan answered seriously. He gave another squeeze and began to slide his hands down, pulling cloth along with them. "I know how important focus is out there. But in here... well, this is different."

Shepard's shoulders pressed against the glass kept him in place while Kaidan divested him of the rest of his clothing. The starlight illuminated half of the Major's face, and the way he was intently examining Shepard's body finally broke through the haze of discomfort he'd been feeling. He was half-hard already and Kaidan hadn't done much more than look at him.

"You are so fucking sexy," Kaidan rasped. He leaned in close, crowding Shepard against the window. He nipped at Shepard's jaw, and then began kissing a path downwards. When he reached the sensitive skin above his collarbone, Kaidan stopped and suckled gently.

Shepard groaned and let his head fall back against the glass. His hands came up to grip Kaidan's hair and hold him in place. When Kaidan bit down, Shepard's hips bucked. Being pressed against the window gave him enough leverage that he didn't quite feel the lack of gravity anymore. Kaidan's hands guided his legs up around his waist again, and Shepard flexed his hips. "You're wearing too many clothes, Major," he moaned.

Kaidan chuckled, but didn't take the hint. He allowed Shepard to grind against him for a few more minutes while he suckled a path downwards, eventually latching onto a nipple. His hands continued to knead Shepard's upper thighs and ass, separating the flesh and teasing with fingers that came close, but never quite touched where Shepard needed him to.

"Kaidan," Shepard growled.

"Shhh..." Kaidan breathed against the nipple that was still damp from his mouth. "I'm busy right now." With that he switched to Shepard's other nipple.

Shepard whined low in his throat, making Kaidan laugh softly against his skin. He flexed his hips again, but this time Kaidan took a step backward, pulling him away from the window. The lack of gravity held Shepard up, but it also prevented him from getting any purchase to thrust. His heart jumped erratically, and he opened his mouth to speak, but he forgot what he was going to say when blunt fingers brushed his entrance and then slid forward to tease the back of his balls. Instead he gasped in a breath as heat traveled up his spine.

Kaidan tilted his head up to look at Shepard. "Alright?" he asked in a voice hoarse with lust, but also tinged with concern.

Shepard nodded. Kaidan's fingers were definitely distracting him from the lack of gravity, and any shortness of breath he was feeling wasn't from fear.

"Good," Kaidan said with a slow, wicked smile. His hands shifted, and he lifted Shepard so that his mouth could travel downwards. He nudged Shepard until he put his thighs over Kaidan's shoulders and nuzzled the skin of his groin, brushing his nose lightly through the hair there.

Shepard kept his hands buried in Kaidan's hair. His hands flexed, and he hoped he wasn't hurting the other man, but he was definitely starting to feel the panic seeping into his lungs again. Being unable to feel his own weight pulling him down reminded him too much of… the vague sense of unease cut off when Kaidan bit him at the junction of his hip and thigh, making him forget anything else but the feel of those teeth marking him.

Kaidan soothed the spot with his tongue, and then moved sideways to run his tongue over more sensitive areas. Shepard was rock hard now, and not even thinking of where he was. His attention was centered on Kaidan's tongue. He wanted Kaidan to suck him, and he used the grip he had in the other man's hair to attempt to pull him in that direction.

"Not yet," Kaidan growled. He resisted Shepard's movements and instead moved lower, shifting until he could slide his tongue down further. When Shepard felt the wet heat of Kaidan's mouth against his opening, he groaned. Between the adrenaline pumping through him and the arousal, he started to feel a tingling spread from the base of his skull downwards. He could feel his biotics trying to slip out of his control, something that hadn't happened to him in a very long time.

Kaidan must have sensed the dark electricity flowing through him, because his skin began to flicker in response. Shepard groaned and let his control slip enough that a small field rose up around him. Where their flesh made contact, his nerves sizzled pleasurably.

Kaidan's power flowed from his mouth to Shepard's skin, and back. Typically Shepard held tight rein over his powers when they had sex, and he'd never felt this close to losing control of them, but the warm lips on his skin were playing havoc with his ability to concentrate. Luckily Kaidan didn't mind. The only reason they kept their biotics offline during sex was to keep from damaging whatever room they were in, anyway.

"Someday we're going to have to do this in a place where we can't break anything," Shepard muttered as he forced himself to hold his biotics in check. Kaidan's only answer was a deep rumbling chuckle.

One of Kaidan's hands spread over Shepard's flank, holding him in place while the other slid up and down his back, letting the power spark against his fingertips. The prickling sensation made Shepard groan and he flexed his body trying to get closer to Kaidan's mouth.

The exquisite teasing went on for a while, although when Kaidan stopped Shepard felt like it hadn't been nearly long enough. Kaidan pulled at him, until they were face to face, and Shepard's bare feet brushed the cold floor. Shepard allowed himself to be held tight against the other man, no longer bothered by the lack of gravity.

"Still ok?" Kaidan asked.

Shepard grinned. "Fantastic," he answered.

"Good," Kaidan said. His smile faded into a worried look. "Because we're just getting started."

Shepard's smile faded and he frowned in confusion. But Kaidan's words made more sense when he spun Shepard around so he was facing the window. Shepard gasped in a breath when his eyes locked onto the star field outside of the glass. "Kaidan... I..." his throat closed on the words and he reached behind himself to dig his fingers into the loose cloth of the other man's fatigues.

"Shh... I've got you," Kaidan whispered against his ear as he stepped them forward.

The panic was clawing inside his chest, and Shepard lifted his other hand to press it against the glass. "No," he gasped. "Kaidan stop."

Kaidan stopped, but held Shepard in place. His mouth nipped at Shepard's ear once before he started speaking. "It's ok, John," he whispered. "I'm here with you. Just listen to my voice."

Shepard swallowed thickly, but nodded. He was breathing shallowly, unable to pull in a deep breath, but he focused on Kaidan's voice, using it to center himself.

A hand stroked Shepard's stomach gently. Up and down in long calming sweeps. "I'm going to fuck you up against the glass, John," Kaidan said huskily. "And I'm going to give you something else to think about when you look out at the stars."

"Huh," Shepard managed say through his clenched teeth "That's... actually a really good idea." Unfortunately, the spike of panic had chased away all the pleasant sensations Kaidan had aroused in him just seconds before.

It was a good idea, and part of him south of the belt-line wanted it. Badly. But as he stared out at the stars, they began to swim before his eyes. His fingers and toes began to feel numb and-

_can't reach the valve-_

_losing oxygen-_


	7. Chapter 7

_I can't remember when it was good_  
_Moments of happiness Elude_  
_Maybe I just misunderstood_  
_All of the love we left behind_  
_Watching the flash backs intertwine_  
_Memories I will never find_

_~Falling Away With You_

"No," Shepard choked. He began to struggle in Kaidan's arms. "I can't-"

"EDI, turn on the gravity," Kaidan ordered sharply. "Close the window, too."

The lights came up and the gravity reasserted itself in the room as the metal door slid shut over the viewing portal. Shepard's weight came down on his feet, but his knees didn't hold him up. He would have crumbled if Kaidan hadn't caught him.

Kaidan cursed himself silently as he gently lowered Shepard to the floor. "I'm sorry, John," he said softly. "This is obviously not the right way to go about it-"

Although Shepard was pale and breathing hard, he reached up to pull Kaidan's head down until their foreheads were pressed together. "No, it's- it's alright. I just need... a moment."

"No, I shouldn't have-"

"Kaidan."

Shepard's voice was firm and Kaidan reacted as he normally did to that tone of command. He shut up and listened.

"I want to do this," Shepard said in a gentler tone, once he was sure Kaidan was listening to him. "We don't have to stop. Just... take a break."

Kaidan could feel him trembling, and he shifted until he was sitting on the floor with Shepard between his legs. He ran his hands over muscled limbs and pressed his lips against black stubble. "Alright," he whispered. "But you let me know when you're ready."

Silence, other than the soft hum of the ship's drive, filled the room for several minutes. Shepard's breathing evened out and the trembling stopped. Still Kaidan didn't act. He wanted to help, but he knew that pushing too hard could have the opposite effect of what they were trying to accomplish.

"It's strange," Shepard murmured after he'd relaxed completely into Kaidan's arms. "Right now, I can't even remember what bothered me about the situation." He turned his head and looked at the closed window. His dark brows came down in a glare. "Fuck," he grumbled.

Kaidan couldn't contain his chuckle. "That was the idea," he said, and he was happy to see that Shepard's lips quirked back up into a smile. Shepard didn't speak though, just continued to stare at the closed window as if he were going through scenarios in his mind, trying to find the best way through a difficult battlefield. He probably was, because that was how Shepard approached everything.

Assess the situation. Try to talk his way out of it. And if that failed, fuck up everything in his way.

Almost on cue, Shepard spoke. His voice was firm, and full of conviction. "Alright, let's do this. EDI-"

"Wait," Kaidan cut him off. "Let's ease into this a little slower this time. EDI, just dim the lights and open the window."

"Yes, Major." The viewport doors began to open as the AI spoke.

"When did she start taking your orders over mine?" Shepard asked with mock incredulity.

"It's only temporary, I assure you, Commander," EDI replied.

Shepard snorted and rolled his eyes. But he turned to Kaidan. "So, Major Alenko? What now?"

"How about we just relax here for a bit and enjoy the view," Kaidan said softly.

The response he received was a raised eyebrow and a shrug, but Shepard shifted until he was more comfortable and faced the viewport. His breathing hitched, but then his chest began to rise and fall in steady breaths. Kaidan could tell that he was forcing himself to breathe normally, and he could already feel a slight tremble start up in the muscles under his fingertips.

Kaidan moved his hands in slow strokes over Shepard's body. Shoulders, arms, hands, back up and then down over his collarbone and chest. He remembered how Shepard had begged him to talk when he was in the Geth docking tube, so he spoke. "When I was a kid in Vancouver it was hard to see the stars," he said softly. "I knew all the constellations of course. School, you know. Dad insisted I take astronomy pretty early."

Shepard shifted slightly, but didn't speak. He made a small humming noise which Kaidan interpreted as an invitation to keep speaking. "Dad brought home a really fancy telescope for me one year for my birthday," he said. "I couldn't get enough of watching the sky. But the city lights still made it somewhat hard to use even though we lived in a suburban area. One time though, we went to visit the orchard for a summer vacation and I took it with me because I was so excited to get a good view." He paused, remembering that trip fondly. He felt a twinge in his chest when he thought about his mother there all alone.

Shepard must have guessed what the silence was about. "Your mom is safer there than in the city, Kaidan."

Kaidan kissed the crown of Shepard's head, grateful for the encouraging words. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, I know."

"So how was the view from the orchard?" Shepard prompted. His voice no longer held the tightness, and his long even breaths seemed less measured and more natural.

"Breathtaking," Kaidan answered.

Shepard chuckled. "Yeah, that's space alright. Literally and figuratively speaking."

"You doing ok?" Kaidan asked worriedly.

Instead of answering him, Shepard called out to EDI. "Turn off the gravity."

Kaidan felt himself and Shepard start to lift into the air gently as the ambient tension in their muscles pushed them away from the floor. He didn't bother to turn on his mag boots, instead he just kept his arms around Shepard and floated with him. Their momentum was very weak and they ended up only a few feet above the floor. "Ok?" he asked when they stopped moving.

Instead of answering Kaidan's question, Shepard asked one of his own. "So do you think you would have gone into space if you hadn't gone to brain camp?"

"You know... I don't know," Kaidan answered, surprised at the question. "I mean, probably. My dad being Alliance, and all."

There was no answer, but Shepard didn't seem to be tensing up. In fact, he seemed quite relaxed at the moment. "What about you?" Kaidan prompted. "What got you into the Alliance?"

Shepard let out a sarcastic snort. "My dad would have kicked my ass if he'd known I joined," he answered. "He didn't like military life, and left the army as soon as he could. I was being raised to be a farmer just like him. But..."

Kaidan didn't need him to finish. He knew what had happened on Mindoir. "So was it for revenge?"

"No. Just wanted to learn how to properly hold a gun," Shepard said quietly. "And at the time, there wasn't anywhere else to learn to use my biotics when I discovered them, thanks to some kid getting BAaT shut down before I could join."

There was an undercurrent of teasing in Shepard's voice, and Kaidan chuckled. "Yeah well, you wouldn't have liked it there anyway. The food was worse than Alliance rations, and no guns."

"But I would have met you there," Shepard countered softly.

Kaidan tried to imagine how BAaT would have been different if he'd met Shepard there. Would they have even noticed each other? Kaidan had only had eyes for Rahna at the time. He tried to picture Shepard as a teen, and failed miserably, but he thought he might have been pulled in by Shepard's bright blue eyes. That's what'd gotten his attention years ago on the SR1. Shepard's eyes had a gravity of their own, and Kaidan was not immune to the laws of physics. "That would have made it much better, I think," he agreed. "You probably would have taken Vyrnnus out before I had a chance."

Shepard laughed. "I guess I do have a bit of a temper sometimes," he admitted.

"Sometimes?" Kaidan teased. "Do you know how worried I am about Diana pissing you off like that other reporter did?"

A chuckle was his only response. They both fell silent, and Kaidan continued stroking Shepard's bare skin.

"Kaidan?" Shepard said softly after several more minutes of relaxed silence.

"Hm?"

"I'm still naked. And I seem to recall you said something about fucking me up against a window?"


	8. Chapter 8

_I think I'm drowning_  
_Asphyxiated_  
_I wanna break this spell_  
_That you've created_  
_You're something beautiful_  
_A contradiction_  
_I wanna play the game_  
_I want the friction_

_~Time Is Running Out_

It was now or never. Shepard was looking out at the star field, and instead of panic, or memories of being unable to breath, his mind was on Kaidan. It reminded him of all the times they'd lain awake in bed in his cabin, cuddling close while talking softly, or just enjoying each other's silent company until one or the other of them slipped off to sleep.

And he'd be lying if he said he didn't like the idea of Kaidan pressing him up against that glass and fucking him silly. The mental image caused the muscles low in his belly to twitch.

Kaidan shifted, and placed his feet on the floor. There was a hum and a click as the mag boots activated, and he stood, pulling Shepard up with him.

"That's an odd sensation," Shepard said.

"I imagine," Kaidan replied. His strong hands moved over Shepard's body, rearranging their positions until they were face to face.

Shepard leaned forward and kissed Kaidan gently, thanking him silently for what he was doing. If he had to face his fears, he'd much rather do it this way than sit with a therapist and talk it out. And he was determined to get over this. He wouldn't let it control him.

The kiss deepened slowly, moving from soft brushing kisses to lip sucking interspersed with gentle biting. When Kaidan slid his tongue into Shepard's mouth, they both groaned.

Kaidan's hands roamed down over Shepard's back to cup him high on the thighs, encouraging him with strong fingers to wrap his legs around his waist again. Once Shepard was wrapped around him, Kaidan walked back to the window. He broke the kiss and looked up into Shepard's eyes. "Ready?" he breathed.

In answer, Shepard brought his legs back down, and twisted in Kaidan's arms. Kaidan understood what he was doing and guided Shepard's weightless body to face the window.

Stars. And between them, nothing but empty airless space. Shepard's breath hitched once, but a soft bite on his shoulder distracted him. A hand wrapped around his half-hard dick and squeezed, bringing it quickly back to attention.

Shepard lifted his hands to press them against the glass, and used the leverage to press himself back against the bulge in Kaidan's pants. He flexed his hips, sliding forward into a tight grip and then back into that intriguing hardness.

Kaidan chuckled, and fumbled at his belt. He was pressed close enough that when he finally freed himself from his clothing his hard length slid right into the cleft of Shepard's ass. He thrust gently, and Shepard pressed on the glass to push back when Kaidan's hands left him to dig a bottle of lube out of his pocket. After a moment, Kaidan shifted away and slick fingers pressed against Shepard's entrance.

While Shepard was very interested in what Kaidan was doing he was still slightly tense from staring out into space. Kaidan tsked at him. "This isn't going to work if you don't relax," he murmured.

The gentle scolding actually made Shepard laugh, and he felt tension in his back and shoulders ease slightly. When Kaidan's finger slipped inside him, the laugh melted into a groan and his elbows unlocked. Kaidan nudged him closer to the glass and Shepard leaned his forehead against the cool surface. He wanted to close his eyes, but he forced himself to keep looking. He could already feel the shift in his mind, and he was much more focused on what Kaidan was doing to him in the present than the memories of getting spaced.

Kaidan had worked three fingers into him before he twisted his hand and rubbed them against Shepard's most sensitive areas. "Fuck," Shepard moaned against the glass.

"Is that an order?" Kaidan teased as he curled his fingers again.

"Kaidan," Shepard growled. When those fingers just continued to stroke him, he whimpered. "Please..."

He whined again when Kaidan pulled his hand away, but his fingers were immediately replaced by something thicker. He watched the stars as Kaidan slowly pushed himself forward. Once he was filled completely, Shepard sucked in a deep breath. His chest was still tight, but now it was with need.

"You're still breathing for me?" Kaidan asked, his husky voice strained with passion.

"Yes," Shepard said on an exhale. "Yes."

Kaidan rubbed his face over Shepard's shoulder, his stubble leaving a stinging trail behind. "So this is working?"

"Kaidan," Shepard growled insistently, no longer paying attention to the empty space on the other side of the glass. "I need you to fuck me. Now."

There was a rusty chuckle. "Yes, Commander," Kaidan replied. And then he began to move.

Shepard had both hands braced on the window, so he could push himself back into every thrust. His aching dick was screaming for attention and he wanted to reach down to touch himself, but didn't want to lose what leverage he had. "Kaidan," he moaned. "I need..."

Kaidan didn't wait for him to finish his request. He reached forward and wrapped his fingers around Shepard with the hand that was still slick with lube.

"Oh fuck, yes," Shepard moaned.

They writhed together against the glass. Shepard still fighting against the lack of gravity while Kaidan held him in place. The major's thrusts were strong and even, and angled perfectly because he could hold Shepard in exactly the right position with little effort.

Shepard's control over his biotics loosened again, and a weak field of power swelled outward, enveloping both of them in a barrier. The tingling in his skin, combined with the warmth of Kaidan against his back, and the adrenaline still pumping through his blood was what finally tipped him over the edge. He let out a wordless shout as he came against the glass.

Kaidan groaned, and bit down on Shepard's shoulder. Within the space of a few heartbeats his thrusts became hard and erratic. Shepard flexed his muscles, squeezing Kaidan inside of him, and that was enough to help Kaidan find his release.

They collapsed against the glass, and Shepard finally closed his eyes. It wasn't comfortable, but he didn't want Kaidan to move yet. His breathing evened out, and his heartbeat slowed down as Kaidan softened inside of him, and finally pulled out.

"How're you doing?" Kaidan asked. He tugged and pulled until Shepard was facing him. "I mean... if you don't feel up to a space walk, that's understandable. But, you seemed ok there at the end."

Shepard opened his eyes and smiled at his lover. "I'm great, at the moment," he answered. "We'll have to see how well this works when you're not around."

"Ha... yeah, I guess that's the real test, isn't it?" Kaidan replied with a small, pleased twist of his lips.

"Are you ready for me to turn on the artificial gravity?" EDI asked.

Kaidan jumped, making Shepard laugh. If he hadn't been wearing his mag boots, the move would have pushed them into the ceiling. "Not just yet, EDI," he answered before Kaidan could speak.

After glaring up in the general direction of the comm speaker, Kaidan gave him a concerned look. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm good. You mind letting me go?"

Kaidan nodded and stepped backward, letting go so Shepard could drift against the window. He hitched his pants up and fastened them as he walked over to where Shepard's clothing was floating against the far wall. He caught the clothing in his hands and sent it drifting in his direction. Shepard caught it and with very little grace, struggled back into it. When Kaidan chuckled at him, Shepard sent him a glare, but it quickly faded into a fond smile.

Once he was dressed in everything but his shirt, Shepard did his best to clean the glass with it. "Probably better not to leave evidence of what we've been doing," he said wryly.

"I'm sure the rest of the crew will appreciate it," EDI said.

Kaidan choked on a laugh and had to cough a few times to clear his throat. "Uh... Thanks, EDI. Do you think you could give us some privacy please?"

"That is why the door is locked," she answered.

"No, I mean-" he cut off with a sigh. "Nevermind."

Shepard braced his foot on the newly cleaned window and pushed himself towards Kaidan who caught him and pulled him close. "EDI why don't you pretend that you don't know we're in here?"

"Of course, Commander."

Brown eyes rolled in exasperation. "I think she gets a kick out of intruding on our sex life," Kaidan muttered. They both waited for a snarky reply from the AI, but clearly she was going to follow Shepard's orders and keep quiet for now.

"So," Shepard said once it was apparent that EDI was going to leave them alone. "That's an interesting form of Immersion Therapy."

"It seems to be working," Kaidan replied with a smile.

Shepard turned his head and looked over his shoulder at the window and the field of stars beyond it. Images flashed through his head, but when his heart began to speed up slightly, he forced himself to think of what he'd just been doing up against the glass. He still felt nervous, but no more so than when he was about to go into a fight. Instead of forgetting how to breathe, he just felt energized. "Yeah," he agreed. He turned and smiled at Kaidan. "But we may need more sessions."

Kaidan smirked at him. "That can be arranged."

They spent another hour in the lounge with the gravity off. Kaidan kicked his boots off and they floated together in the center of the room, using their biotics to push themselves around when they needed to. They still had several hours until they got to the Citadel, and when Kaidan noticed Shepard yawning, he finally ordered EDI to turn the gravity back on.

They stumbled out of the observation deck together, Shepard still without his shirt on, both of them barefoot, and made their way to the elevator.

"After going without it for a while gravity feels weird," Shepard muttered once they were in his cabin. He tossed his boots aside, and stripped, throwing his clothing in the general direction of the hamper.

Kaidan chuckled as he pulled off his clothing as well. He picked up the other man's discarded uniform and put it in the hamper with his own before he joined Shepard in bed where they cuddled together. After a few minutes, Shepard reached out and hit the button that opened the skylight.

"You sure?" Kaidan asked.

"I know you love the view," Shepard murmured.

"Yeah," Kaidan said. But he was looking at Shepard.


	9. Chapter 9

_Give me your heart and your soul_  
_And I'm not breaking down_  
_I'm breaking out_  
_Last chance to lose control_

_~Hysteria_

Several days later, Shepard was pacing the small space of his cabin, going over all the data he and EDI had gathered on Leviathan. They were still trying to track the creature down, and they had failed to find anything useful in the last two star systems. He was upset about the waste of time, but he couldn't allow Ann Bryson to be exposed to that artifact any longer than she had been.

He had a feeling they were on the right track, though. They only had one more system to search. Unfortunately, all he had to do in the hours up until they reached their destination was obsess over information he'd already looked through hundreds of times.

He should sleep. That was quickly becoming a mantra that he repeated and never actually acted upon.

When the words on the datapad began to blur he sighed. Tossing it onto his desk, he left the cabin. He needed caffeine.

In the small kitchen he poured himself a mug of coffee, forgoing his normal milk and sugar in favor of the extra kick in the ass the muddy liquid gave him when he drank it straight. He turned away from the counter just as Doctor Chakwas came out of the medbay with an empty mug of her own.

"Hello, Commander," she said with a friendly smile as he grabbed the coffee and poured it for her. "How are you feeling?"

Shepard set the pitcher back in the coffee maker and walked with her to the table, taking a seat across from her. "Frustrated," he answered succinctly before taking a sip of the steaming liquid. He grimaced at the bitterness, but resisted the temptation to go back for cream and sugar. The horrible taste was just as effective at waking him up as the caffeine.

"Well maybe you should have another session with Kaidan," Chakwas said casually as she blew at the steam rising from her own mug.

Hot coffee spilled down Shepard's chin and into his lap. He hissed and reached down to pull the damp cloth away from his thighs. Chakwas jumped up to grab some napkins which he accepted without looking at her. He could feel the heat in his face, and he wasn't ready to face her until the blush died down. "Uh… sorry," he mumbled as he dabbed at his lap. "I was just startled that you knew about my… session… with Kaidan."

"Well of course I do," Chakwas answered once she knew he was alright. She sat back down across from him. "Kaidan told me all about it."

Shepard's head shot up and he stared at her in shock. "He did?"

"He'd told me about your panic attacks," Chakwas answered. "And he'd promised to keep me updated in case his idea didn't help. I was quite relieved when he reported that it seems to be working."

"He did?" Shepard felt like a parrot. But he just couldn't believe Kaidan had told Chakwas what they had been doing to get him past his fears.

"Well, I am your doctor," Chakwas replied with a chuckle. "And I highly approve of his methods. It's a great way to relieve stress."

Shepard nodded slowly. His shock was leaning more and more into the realm of utter embarrassment. "Uh… yeah. Yeah it is."

"In fact," she continued as she sipped at her coffee. "I'm thinking of asking him to have sessions with some of the other crew members."

"Wait… what?"

"Quite a few people on the ship could benefit from it," Chakwas answered, apparently oblivious to Shepard's shocked reaction.

"Benefit from what?"

Shepard twisted in his seat at the sound of Kaidan's voice behind him. The Major had that pinched look that he got when he hadn't eaten enough for the day, but he smiled and winked as he walked up to stand behind Shepard. A strong hand came down on Shepard's shoulder and squeezed gently in silent greeting.

"Major," Chakwas greeted cheerfully. "I was just telling the Commander that I approved of your methods, and that I thought you should do the same for a few other members of the crew."

Kaidan's eyes widened, and his cheeks flushed. "Oh uh… that may not be such a good idea."

"Definitely not," Shepard grumbled menacingly. He'd never considered himself possessive, but at the idea of Kaidan with anyone else, he felt like a bona fide caveman.

"Why not?" Chakwas asked curiously. "Yoga is wonderful exercise. For both the body and the mind."

Shepard's head whipped around to face Chakwas again. "Yoga?"

Chakwas frowned, finally noticing their strange reactions to the conversation. "Well, yes…"

Kaidan slid into the chair next to Shepard and hid his face behind one large, callused hand. "Uh, Doc… I kinda lied about what we were doing."

The click in Shepard's brain was so loud he was surprised that it wasn't audible outside his own head. "You told her we were doing yoga," he said in a flat voice only slightly tinged with amusement.

The doctor's frowned deepened as she looked back and forth between them. "Yes, he said…" she trailed off and her eyes narrowed on them. "You weren't, were you?"

"Maybe the Tantric kind," Shepard mumbled into his mug of coffee. Kaidan kicked him under the table, and he chuckled. His embarrassment faded completely and he grinned at the Major who was blushing just as hard as Shepard had been a few minutes before. Served him right for not warning him about what he'd told the doctor.

Kaidan peeked at Shepard from behind his hand, and when their eyes met, they broke into laughter.

A glance at the doctor revealed that she finally understood what their sessions had been about. She flushed just as brightly as they did, but she smiled warmly and rolled her eyes. "Alright, so maybe you had better limit your sessions to Shepard," she said. She stood and turned to the medbay. "I believe now is a good time for me to go back to minding my own business."

Shepard and Kaidan watched her go. Once they were alone, their eyes met again.

"So…" Shepard said, leaning over and bumping Kaidan's shoulder with his own. "We've got a few hours to kill."

Kaidan's smile turned downright wicked. "I'll go get my mag boots. I'll meet you in five."

Shepard couldn't stop grinning as he made his way to the observation deck. When he reached the room, he stared out the window at the stars and once again marveled at how they seemed so still while the ship hurtled through the vast open spaces between burning balls of gas. For just a moment his lungs hitched.

Not in panic, but in anticipation.

When the doors hissed open behind him, Shepard turned away from the stars to face Kaidan. He watched intensely as the other man approached him, sure that his feelings were in his eyes. The Major's features were thrown in sharp relief by the bright starlight pouring in from the viewport, and Shepard was struck by how beautiful Kaidan was.

Kaidan's dark eyes were full of love and desire, his smile full of promise as he walked across the room to where Shepard stood, stopping only inches away. "Enjoying the view?" he asked quietly.

A slow smile spread across Shepard's face. "Oh yeah," he answered without looking away from Kaidan. He closed the space between them and placed a soft kiss on the other man's scarred lips. "It's beautiful," he said. Then he grinned widely. "You might even say it's 'breathtaking'."

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Really, John?"

The hiss of the doors closing and the lock engaging was drowned out by their laughter.


	10. Author's Note

I just want to give a huge thank you to the lovely ladies Azzy and Bioticbooty for making the Mass Effect Big Bang work. These projects are highly motivational for me, and I am excited to be part of this. Also, thank you to my beta Hot-elf for being wonderful with feedback and support. I probably would have chickened out and not done this if it weren't for her. And of course thank you thank you thank you to Maxxiedemon for choosing my story and creating the gorgeous art for it. I absolutely love it and am so glad we finally get to share it with everyone!

Chapter lyrics are by Muse.


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